During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
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Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
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The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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