woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
