I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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