Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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