I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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