Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
