i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
