Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
