i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
