We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
