You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
