dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
