Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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