I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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