He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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