upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
