Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
