I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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