is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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