it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
