Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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