His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
