i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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