every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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