she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
