The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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