if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
