then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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