im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
