Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
