no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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