I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
