the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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