Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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