A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
