u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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