Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
