sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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