it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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