how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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