I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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