she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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