when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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