we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
