rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
