Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
