Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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