I am puke
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
