My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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