tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
