This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
