on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Found your dick twin last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
