If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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