She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
