My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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