the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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