I'm so fucking centered right now
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
