Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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