Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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