just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
